Holiday Tree

Seasons greetings, readers.

Earlier this week I had some minor surgery to remove a polyp from my left nasal cavity. The polyp, or cyst, actually, was obstructing my sinus and making it difficult for me to breathe and/or snort crystal meth. The surgery went well (which you may have guessed, because you’re reading my blog, not my obituary) and I am on the mend. However, if this blog seems off to you, its probably just the painkillers kicking in and I am in full Elvis mode. Painkillers make you feel goofy for about twenty minutes, but then wear off and leave you feeling kind of stupid for a while… which, of course, is awesome. Apart from the vicious, rectum-tearing constipation or the erectile dysfunction, I could totally understand why people get addicted to these things. I’ve been sitting on my ass watching daytime TV and eating ice cream all week, so things could be a lot worse.  I did not want to have surgery, and I would have elected to remove the polyp myself with a little frontier medicine (i.e.  a pair of pliers and a bottle of whisky). The holidays are closing in fast, as you can tell from all the obnoxious commercials and shitty music on the radio – although, music on the radio is always garbage, now it simply has a seasonal offensiveness. I used to hate Christmas, but Jacob Marley woke me up and straightened me out a few years ago, and now I’m full of mirth and merriment once more. I don’t especially like snowfall, but when we find ourselves the dead of winter, I always try to watch The Shining and Enemy at the Gates. There is nothing really funny about that statement; I just like those two winter movies.

Here is a special Christmas question for you: what the hell is this “holiday tree” crap we are subscribing to now? Has political correctness and cowardice finally gotten this ridiculous? Why are we calling Christmas trees holiday trees? What holiday does the “holiday tree” refer to, exactly? Do they have popcorn and ornament covered trees in Buddhism now, too? Does this mean Menorahs are now holiday candelabras? The monotheistic religions have their own unique symbols for the big holidays. Christmas has the tree, Hanukkah has the menorah, and Ramadan has the AK-47 and explosive suicide bomber vest. I don’t want to rag on Islam too much, though, I am just going by the instruction manual at the end of the Qur’an. I admire any religion that has simple, understandable rules. In Islam, for example, you must wipe your ass with your left hand, and only use your right hand to punch your wife in the face. Fair enough, right? I like to think that I am pretty open minded about religion, and unlike many bigots, I know that not every Muslim is a terrorist. I also happen to know that every terrorist is a Muslim, but I don’t want to split hairs. Middle Eastern food more than makes up for it, though, and our military drones can even up the difference. However, let us get back to the holiday tree. At the end of the day, could a Christmas tree possibly have anything less to do with the actual holiday? December 25th is supposed to be Jesus’ birthday…shouldn’t we have a cake instead of a tree? I don’t get the resistance to saying “Merry Christmas”, either. Has anybody ever been wished a spiteful or vindictive “merry Christmas”? I wish I knew why we keep acquiescing to cry babies over this stuff. This country is in the passing lane on the road to Idiocracy.

Christianity, Islam and Judaism are not especially foreign to me. I don’t really know a whole lot about polytheism, though, as my greatest exposure to it comes from eating delicious Indian food or playing as Dhalsim in Street Fighter II. Oh, and talking to the cashier at the Cumberland Farms across the street. I forgot how erudite I was there for a second. Random side note, but I had Indian food for the first time just about a year ago, and I think it might be my second favorite behind Mexican food. It has the same gut-busting, spicy quality as Mexican food, and it can force you to declare war on your toilet just as quickly.  If you are ever stuck between deciding whether you want Chinese or Indian food, just split the difference and go Thai. It is full of peanuts and peanut oil, though, so watch out if you have allergies. That recommendation is probably the most valuable and sincere piece of advice I have shared on this blog so far.

Merry Christmas.

MJG