This one is for the very lovely Mary (you know who you are) and all the gay vampires out there (somebody else knows who they are).
Sorry there was no blog last weekend. I spent the night at my parents’ house on Saturday, and I did not get back in time for a snappy Sunday post. These posts may be disgraceful and absurd, but a good deal of work goes into them, in spite of any grammatical errors you might find. I’ve been watching the Republican primaries recently, and I thought I might share some of my observations. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Gee whiz, Man with No shame, you’re so smart and handsome and not an asshole, how are we going to keep up with your muscular political insight?” But before you fudge your huggies, know that I would never betray your good faith, and I will not write about anything worth reading. Feel better? I know I do. As you may know, I try to keep away from politics in this blog, because political humor alienates people. If you don’t agree with the political slant of the joke, it just comes across as a frustrating cheap shot. Furthermore, I don’t want to debate anybody in the comments section. Some people cannot be reached (people like me), so there is no point in wandering into that thicket. I don’t like arguing with super liberals, and I don’t like having super conservatives on my side making me look like a fruitcake. One time I got into an abortion debate with a vegan, which was about as fun as it sounds. Abortion is not an issue I even have an opinion on, really. None of my business, I suppose. I quickly ended the debate by asking her why she thought eating scrambled eggs was wrong but abortions are OK. All I want is some consistency. I really just wish her parents had been as enthusiastic about exercising their pro-choice rights as she was, and then we could have avoided this whole sticky wicket entirely.
Just because I don’t want to talk politics does not mean I won’t bash politicians, though. Those worthless colostomy bags all need a good roughing up, if you ask me…which you didn’t. I suppose you don’t want to hear my politics any more than I want to hear yours, but I like to think I am a reasonable, albeit passionate, man. A man of of letters and such, in fact. I don’t know where I fall in the political spectrum, frankly. You may have deduced that I am a conservative, based on the horrible things I routinely spew on you through this blog. I like my taxes low, the terrorists blown to bits, and the murderers riding the lightning, but most everything else is fair game for debate in my mind. I am fiscally conservative, and I like aggressive foreign policy. I believe that we have the finest fighting men in the world, and it pleases me that they are always ready to dole out cold steel and hot lead to any piss-drinking Mujahideen who think we won’t roll on Shabbos. Forget the UN/NATO/internationalism foreplay and let the blood-coated bayonets do the talking. Social matters are a whole different can of worms. You want to smoke crystal meth with a male escort in an abortion clinic? No problem with me, just do what feels right and follow your heart…to the abortion clinic. All I know is that the first candidate to suggest sending Lady Gaga to Guantanamo Bay is getting my vote.
The Republicans are fighting tooth and nail to find a candidate to step in the ring with President Obama. It will be a difficult contest, no doubt, as the boss is a keen politician, no matter what you think of his governance. The current freak show has been dragging on for too long, and the Republicans need to suck it up, pull the bandaid off and nominate Mitt Romney. I think people should have political IQs that correspond to their intelligence. You should only be allowed to be as passionate as you are smart. Fair enough, right? If you have an intelligence quotient of 80, you should not be allowed to exceed 80 with your beliefs, in order to keep the obnoxiousness of ignorant people down a bit. I also think we should redistrict these United States and force people to take a 50 point test in order to choose where they want to live. If you score 100% and get all 50 questions, you get to live wherever you like. If you score 10 points, say, you get to choose from the bottom ten and so on. Since I am really smart, or so my imaginary friend tells me, I would be allowed to live wherever I please. Other people who score poorly would be forced to move to places like New Jersey and New Mexico – which is only marginally better than regular Mexico. As far as our amigos south of the border are concerned, I say bienvenidos. Immigrants make this country great, because they are not fat, lazy Americans. That role is for meant their children, once they’ve assimilated and fully embraced our culture. I would reform immigration, though. My idea is that for every one Mexican we naturalize, we kick out two bad Americans. We can send them up to Canada or Alaska. It just makes sense.
Lets talk about those Republicans, though. The South Carolina and Florida primaries are coming up, which should cull the herd. I’ve never been to Florida, but I suspect it is a strange and terrible place, good for nothing but producing serial killers and episodes of Cops.
I am going to begin with that zippy little gadfly, Ron Paul, who is stone cold crazy. This guy walks into the mental health ward and the patients say “what the fuck is this wacko talking about?”. He is conspiracy-minded, isolationist loon, in my opinion. There have always been conspiracy theorists within the political ranks. Some people believe that the Reagan administration invented crack cocaine and the McDonalds dollar menu to wipe out the black population, but this guy s even wackier. He thinks 9/11 was an inside job, and that the US government should not have locked horns with the Third Reich during the second big one. He probably thought FDR was in cahoots with the Martians or something. I can just picture him on New Years Eve, 1999, living in an underground Führerbunker filled with cans of baked beans and small arms ammunition. There he waited for the impending apocalypse, stalking the compound in nothing but a pair of tighty-whities and a tinfoil hat, armed with a loaded Remington 870 combat shotgun, ready to pump double ought buckshot into the first person he thought might be a Freemason.
And then there is that demented gastropod, New Gingrich. That bloated bastard has been on the scene for some time now, and he has made quite a few enemies in his years, due to his unbridled vileness. Between Newt and Nancy Pelosi, I wonder whether there is a douchebag litmus test for people who wish to be Speaker of the House. That condescending old bag is just as offensive as Gingrich. During the Obamacare debates, she served as the Judas goat that led many junior representatives to their political graves for their support of the unpopular bill. He comes across as a pompous horse’s ass, but he is indeed very smart…perhaps too smart, as his intellectualism tends to run aground once he starts with the crazy talk. He just looks so satisfied with himself. He used to be a vicious Republican attack dog, but now he has this shit-eating grin on his face, the likes of which we have not seen since he had Han Solo, frozen in Carbonite, decorating his palace wall. I think he would like to do something similar to Mitt Romney. His campaign was running very well, until the attack ads started and it blew up like a Mitsubishi Zero on the deck of an American aircraft carrier. He is a mean son of a bitch, and I’d really hate to use the bathroom after him.
That should do. Elf is the German word for “eleven”, by the way.